


You Left

by autumntbz



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending tho, M/M, Mental Illnesses, So much angst, but rushed, idk tbh, they were close but then stuff went wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-21 23:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15569004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumntbz/pseuds/autumntbz
Summary: “You left me Haknyeon, one day we were there cuddling watching movies, the next you were gone."





	You Left

**Author's Note:**

> My favourite fics are about people reuniting so I decided to write a Sunhak one mainly for my own happiness.
> 
> I'm like 90% happy with this fic but i can't work out what i'm not happy with.
> 
> I explore mental illness within this story and I sincerely apologise if my portrayal of it is lacking. I have had my own experiences but it’s hard to put it into words.
> 
> Both boys are 18 here and I imagined them looking like they did in Boy era.
> 
> Anyways enjoy!

I step through the door and instantly feel sick. After another summer of chosen isolation, the sounds of running footsteps and shouting voices give me anxiety. I always get used to it all eventually, I have to, but the first few weeks are never easy.

I squeeze past people, not wanting any unnecessary attention brought to myself. My eyes dart about though, looking for my one sort-of friend; Hyunjoon.

I did have more, but he’s the one who stuck by me after _it_ happened and I began pushing people away. After _he_ left.

I spot Hyunjoon walking towards me and I stand up a little straighter, forcing my nerves to calm down as he smiles at me.

“Hey Sunwoo, good summer? I didn’t hear from you much...” he asks once we start walking together.

“As good as it could be I suppose. And I know I’m sorry, but, well y’know...” I trail off, not wanting to bother him with my mental health issues.

“It’s okay, I know. But please remember I’ll always be there for you okay? I know you have problems doing so but please trust me sometimes yeah?”

I just smile at him. He’s always been so kind to me and so understanding. He knows when I need company and when I need to be left alone without asking. Despite having his own massive friend group, he still finds time to look out for me. I always wish I could repay him somehow, but I can’t bring myself to get any closer to anyone after what happened 4 years ago.

“Gossip for you if you want it; there’s a new boy starting at our school. I saw him earlier and he looked pretty damn excited to be here. Don’t think I’ve even seen someone smile so much walking into this school” Hyunjoon laughs and I can only manage a weak smile. I feel envious of this boy who can smile so easily.  
  
We part as the bell rings for registration, waving. I’m the last one there and make my way silently to my seat at the back corner where I always sit, by myself.

To everyone else in the class I’m ‘that boy with depression.’

After few minutes of staring down at my desk, someone opens the door, which is strange because everyone’s already here. I glance up out of interest, remembering Hyunjoon mentioning a new kid.

His eyes meet mine. Eyes that I know far too well.

Joo Haknyeon.  
  
  
~ 4 years ago ~

  
_Haknyeon smiles up at me and it fills my heart up with love as it always does. He’s nestled under my arm, snuggling into my side as we watch The Dark Knight for the 10th time together. My hand reaches over and holds both of his, squeezing them and fiddling with them._

_He squirms a little bit and whines “Sunwoo, I can’t concentrate on the movie with you being like this”_

_I just squeeze his fingers more and grin, eyes still on the TV._

_I move to lie down; tired, and he lies down on top of me, wiggling about a bit, making himself comfortable. We fall asleep like that soon enough, only to be woken up my mum taking a photo of us all cuddled into each other, saying we’re adorable together._

_Haknyeon just moves himself up slightly, laughing directly into my ear as I yell at mum. It makes my stomach flutter; his sweet melodic laugh vibrating onto me. I love him._

We’d known each other since we were 7 and I guess you could say we were a bit ‘closer’ than other 14 year old boys, a bit more touchy with each other. It’d always been normal for us, it was natural to hug each other and hold hands and I couldn't imagine us not doing it. Other people thought it was odd, some of the people at school looked at us weirdly, but we were usually too wrapped up in each other to notice. I felt safe and as happy as I could possibly be with him.

Until it happened. No words. No notice. No text. He was gone. His house empty. His number changed. His records erased from the school.

He was gone from my life with no warning.

My life fell apart.  
  
~~~  
  
My fist clenches under the desk, my jaw tight. He smiles a sickly sweet smile at me.

How can he do that after vanishing? How can he honest to god stand there smiling like nothing happened? Like he didn’t abandon me and rip my heart out.

There’s no mistake he might not recognise me; he hasn’t looked away from me since meeting my eyes.

Mr Lee introduces him and gestures to the only empty seat in the room; right next to me. I begin furiously shuffling over, putting as much space between my seat and the one next to it.

He flops down enthusiastically next to me and I get a waft of his natural scent, unchanged since he was a child. It reminds me of burying my face in his neck. I push the memory out of my head.

“Kim Sunwoo! It’s really you!” He squeals like an annoying puppy, clutching onto my arm. It pains me to know that he’s still as clingy as he was before. It pains me more to think about other people he might have clung to during our time apart.

“Unfortunately” I growl and rip my arm away.

I see his face fall slightly out of the corner of my eye, and I shrug off any sympathy that I might have felt at seeing it. _Remember Sunwoo, he broke your heart; don't give in to his pouty face, even if it is cute_.

I want slap myself for thinking such a thing.

He quickly smiles again though and says hello to some of the other people in the class who have turned to watch the scene.

They probably think it’s strange; someone other than Hyunjoon actually wants to interact with me so they want a good look at whom on earth would.

I thank god as the bell rings for 1st period and try to scramble away from the class as quickly as possible before Haknyeon can try and talk to me again. I safely manage it to physics despite hearing him call my name down the corridor, leading everyone to stare at me, increasing my already high anxiety.

I sit in my usual seat, on my own on a table meant for four, while the rest of the class fills in the other tables, filling them up completely.

I watch the door, waiting for the teacher, when I once again see the all too familiar face I tried forgetting for four years straight; Haknyeon.

He makes his way naturally over to my table, but instead of sitting next to me, sits opposite me. On one hand I’m glad because it means he understood how uncomfortable I was in registration. But on the other hand, the hand I’m telling to get out of my head, I’m disappointed because it means I can’t smell him, or see his eyes that I’ve missed up close.

I look away from his face, which brings me both pain and joy, to pay attention to the teacher that came in just after Haknyeon. Every so often throughout the course introduction we’re being given I feel a slight nudge on my feet, coming from Haknyeon’s own. Eventually I move my feet under my chair and out of his reach, ignoring the tingling feelings that shot up my legs every time he did it.

I also ignore his face dropping. Not without a pang of guilt however.

I force my mind to take in what the teacher was saying; something about beginning a paired research project.

Shit. Paired?

I look around the class, fast, seeing everyone naturally going with the person they’re sitting next to.

My eyes eventually land on Haknyeon, who’s looking at me sheepishly.

“Wanna be with me?” He asks.

“Well I don’t really have a choice do I...” I mumble looking away again. The more I look at him the more pain it gives me.

“So are we all clear? 500 words on the discovery of the 3 equations of motion for this Friday yes? A prize goes to the best pair! You can start planning until the end of the lesson”

For this Friday? My timetable this year is completely filled up, after the disaster of my exam results I’m being forced by the school to retake all my subjects from last year alongside my new ones I wanted, leaving me with no free periods. When the hell are we meant to work on it?

I’m about to voice my concern when Haknyeon speaks up first.

“You wanna get started tonight? It would have to be at your house though...” he trails off awkwardly. I wonder why for a few moments before realising what he was asking.

The obvious answer in no; the thought of him in the house we used to always be in, him on the same sofa we used to cuddle on makes me panic slightly. What if him being at my house again triggers more past memories and thoughts? However, I can’t see any other time we can do this project and I’ve agreed with mum I’m actually going to try this year.

I nod and mumble that that’s fine and Haknyeon begins smiling again. I catch myself looking at him for a bit too long before forcing my eyes down onto the table for the remainder of the lesson.

As the bell rings and everyone stands to leave, Haknyeon touches my arm slightly and says he’ll meet me outside the school gate at the end of the day. He waits, staring at me until I nod, before leaving too. I feel my heartbeat pound as I watch him leave the room.

Despite his face being so close to mine, I couldn’t bring myself to look at the finer details, scared I’d never be able to look away again.

The rest of my day is Haknyeon free; possibly due to the fact I spent breaks and lunch out in the woods by the school by myself. As the final bell rings, I begin walking outside, going a lot slower than usual, hoping that it gives Haknyeon time to be out and waiting by the gate.

I don’t like being in crowded places long and the thought of just standing there while the whole school piles out past me makes me shake slightly.

Luckily enough he’s already there and looks like he has been for a while. He waves upon seeing me approach and instantly falls into step with me. He begins trying to link arms with me, but I instantly shrug him away, walking further away from him. He’s not discouraged however as he seems to just settle for bumping into my shoulder every so often.

We reach the public bus I have to take every day and wait in the queue. Haknyeon stands close to me, understandable because it’s cold, and I have to physically refrain myself from protecting him against the harsh wind by pulling him into my arms.

The bus pulls up and I can see from the windows that it’s already incredibly full; however the bus driver encourages us all on to stand.

We’re the last ones in and I’m stood trapping Haknyeon between a piece of the bus interior behind the driver’s seat and my chest. It’s too tight in here. There’s someone right behind me, my back brushing against them every few moments. I feel my breathing become shallow and uneven. I close my eyes.

“Sunwoo move closer to me” I hear Haknyeon’s voice and listen to its advice, moving forwards into more empty space, free from the person behind me. I open my eyes slightly to see Haknyeon’s squished himself, sacrificed himself, into a corner, allowing me more space against the metal of the bus.

I lean my head against it and mouth the words thank you, not having enough energy to look over or think about who it is I’m being nice to. I feel Haknyeon gently rub my arm with his hand and it’s the first time in a while I’ve allowed someone to touch me, and actually have it calm me down.

By the time we reach my stop, I’ve completely calmed down from the brink of a panic attack and I successfully get off and thank the driver.

He follows behind me down the street, even though I doubt he forgets where my house is because he used to be in it every day.

When we get there and go inside, he knows exactly where to put his shoes and his coat, like he was never gone.

More pain washes over me at the thought of him being in my hallway once again.

As soon as we enter the living room; he stares at the sofa, our sofa. His face is sullen. Maybe he feels bad for leaving me; maybe he actually missed this place.

I force the thought out of my head _. Remember Sunwoo, he left you, you’re here now to do school work, don’t even think about the past, pretend you’ve never met Haknyeon till today._

“Where’s your mum? I-I’d like to say hi to her again.”

I’m not looking at him when he says it but I can hear the nervousness in his voice. There goes the plan of forgetting I ever knew him before.

“She’s out. She’s got a week long meeting abroad” I explain soullessly before getting out my physics stuff onto the coffee table before sitting down not the floor.

Haknyeon sits wordlessly next to me and does the same.

“Let’s just get this over and done with yeah? Then you can leave.” I grumble out, convinced that he won’t want to be here, just like he maybe never wanted to be.

“What?” He says, looking at me, shocked. He tries to move closer but I abruptly back away from him.

“Could you stop touching me!?” I snap, my emotions getting the better of me. I can feel four years worth of sadness and anger about to spill over the edge of my brain.

His face changes from bright to pleading easily; like he’s been keeping a façade up all day.

“Why can’t we be like we were Sunwoo? I know it was a while ago but we hugged and we held hands and we cuddled and one time we kis-“

“YOU LEFT” I roar at him. He flinches violently. I feel guilty and force myself to breathe before repeating, quieter but with the same power “you left me Haknyeon, one day we were there cuddling watching movies, the next you were gone. Completely. Your parents told mine it was because YOU begged them to leave. Because YOU didn’t want to see me anymore and you were uncomfortable with me. I haven’t been able to trust anyone since that day; I haven’t allowed myself to get close to anyone to save myself going through that again.  So don’t you say I'm the one stopping us going back to that because there is nothing I want more...but you obviously didn’t want it then so why would you want it now?” I spat. I never realised it until now, but from the moment he walked into that class at 9 am, I wanted him back in my arms, the same as four years ago.

He looks blank. He just stares at me while I catch my breath. I’ve just blamed him for everything and practically confessed to him in one exhalation.

“They... they told you what? Sunwoo... I was forced to move. I had no idea either until the morning I left. Yes, we had to move because of me, but not because I didn't like you. It was because I DID like you.”

He stops and stares at me, as if waiting for a reaction but I can’t make the synapses to physically give him one. I just stare, waiting for more.

“That one time you...you kissed me... my brother saw and told my parents. They didn’t even hesitate before packing our bags and finding us a temporary home as far away from here as they could manage on short notice. You have no idea, no idea at all, how much I cried and screamed and fought to stay here.”

There’s tears in his eyes and I don’t even have to think to move towards him. He walks backwards though, avoiding my arm that was reaching out.

I realise that the reason I’ve been uncomfortable with human contact is because I’ve been waiting to save it all for Haknyeon.

“Do you know why I’m here Sunwoo? Back here at this school? Do you think they trusted me to come back here? No. They kicked me out. I told them I still like boys and they kicked me out. With nothing but the loose change I had in my pocket. A train only got me so far and I had to walk the last miles to my grandma’s house. Thank god she took me in, unconditionally loving me and helping me start a life again. I thought you’d be happy to see me again... turns out you’re yet another aspect of my life my parents fucked up.”

Seeing Haknyeon this grown up and serious doesn’t feel right. To me he’s still the 14 year old boy who needs protected. I reach out to him once more, needing the physical contact I’ve secretly craved for the last four years; desperation buried away by anger.

But he backs away once again.

“No... I-I need to leave now. Tell your mum I said thanks” he mumbles and rushes to gather up his stuff.

I catch his wrist as he turns to leave, whipping him around until he’s right in front of me.

“Stay” I whisper.

I wanted it to sound strong and demanding, but the voice I hear is weak and afraid.

I see tears in his eyes and feel them in my own.

“Please”

He drops all his books and collapses against me.

We sob into each other’s shoulders, hands grabbing at whatever part of the other we can hold on tightly to, as if we’ll fall if we don’t. I breathe in his scent heavily, finally able to enjoy it without telling myself off.

I feel him shaking against me as I say the word ‘sorry’ over and over again.

This is all my fault.

It was my fault for kissing him back then and it was all my fault for yelling at him without thinking. Self hate rips through me as I imagine what damage I brought to this angel by yelling at him.

He pulls back and I get a look at his face, tear stained yet shining with charm and beauty. My hands find and cup his cheeks. I let my wet eyes look over every inch of his face, making up for four years worth. His face has filled out more, his cheeks and lips looking fuller than I remember them. His hair has remained the same shape and shade; brown locks falling haphazardly over his forehead.

“Look at you... my Haknyeon all grown up. You’re still beautiful.”

I press our foreheads together as he smiles, tears still flowing.

“You’ve grown up so handsome. As I walked through towards that classroom door, I prayed you hadn’t changed much but... you look so good.” he breathes.

“You saying I didn’t look good back then?” I laugh slightly, choking on my words in places.

He laughs back, a sound I’ve only heard recently in my dreams and it just brings me back to the times we spent together. The times where we spent every day together.

We wipe each other’s tears, still laughing, still in each other’s arms.

“Can you trust me? I can’t even imagine your side of the pain these last years…but I can promise you, I’m never leaving unless you ask me to”

We’ve only been reunited for one day, yet he already seems to grasp my mental health status pretty well. After not allowing myself even proper friendships for four years, I know it’ll take a while for me to manage long hours with one person’s full attention before getting mentally exhausted. But it’s a difference in my life I’m willing to make for Haknyeon.

I nod and he beams.

“What are we gonna do now then?” Haknyeon looks up at me, his eyes wide and curious. My hands find his and I squeeze his fingers before interlocking them together, relishing in the till-now forgotten feeling of his soft hands in mine.

“We could just watch a movie, y’know for old time’s sakes...?”

He beams up at me, a smile that could cure illnesses and nods his head.

We don’t need food or blankets to keep us company; just being with each other again is more than enough.

We decide on Batman, again for the nostalgia and both automatically crawl into the same position we always used to - Haknyeon’s whole body lying atop mine, his head tucked under my chin, my arms securing him to my waist - as if we’d never been apart. I felt so right, so familiar and so comfortable (even if Haknyeon is naturally a bit heavier than he was when he was 14).

Half way through the film I touch his chin, encouraging him to raise his head to face me. His eyes are sleepy, on the verge of passing out so I take the opportunity while I can.

My hand moves to the back of his head, fingers gently rasping at his curls.

I pull him down by his neck.

Our lips meet and I know that this is right; this is what my life is worth living for.

It’s sloppy, but nice; lazy and exhilarating at the same time. His soft lips are like heaven, like food, water, shelter; something I need. And I know he needs mine too.

Haknyeon pulls away sleepily, presses his tired lips to my check gently before making a content noise and returning his head to my collar bone region, nuzzling his head in slightly, as a sort of thanks.

We’re going to help heal each other from now on, help erase bad memories and scars.

I smile out into the darkness of the room, illuminated only by the disregarded film, and pray that this is the first of many nights I will spend with Haknyeon safe in my arms, and I safe in his.  


**Author's Note:**

> *sigh* where can I get me a Haknyeon to cuddle??
> 
> Anways hope that lived up to any expectations n stuff


End file.
